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Parent Trap
by Dave
Thursday, December 03, 2009
Before I begin today, let me say that I do not know what it is like to be a mother. I am, of course, a father. I was the last of 5 siblings to have children. I have daughters, not sons. Before I became a parent, I was an uncle. My sisters all had boys. So while I do not have personal experience being a father of a son, I can say that I have observed, up close and personal, the different ways fathers and mothers relate to their sons and daughters. There is a difference. Also, parents are not particularly aware of the ways they relate outwardly to their children and how their behavior appears to others. The discussion I want to engage in today, one about parental conduct in travel softball, is very difficult and I expect many just won't get it. My perspective is as a father of daughters, but it also, I hope, can be applied to mothers and fathers of both sons and daughters since I have observed all the various permutations.
This discussion concerns the way parents outwardly relate to their children within the context of travel softball teams and tournaments. The reason why this is critical is because it really does matter, mostly to the kids themselves but also it can have unforeseen and unintended consequences with others.
I have observed parental conduct as a newcomer to a team, as one with a daughter guesting, as member of the old guard on a team, as mere spectator, as a head and assistant coach, and from just about every other imaginable point of view. I have seen all kinds of behavior and I'm not sure I am positioned properly to judge all of it. But I can tell you about some of the more extreme examples and how I interpret them.
I want to draw on some images. So I have to tell you some stories.
I have a friend whose daughter has played gold level ball for a few years. Back when she got involved with it, I ran into the father at a showcase. He told me of the instruction he had received from the staff of the showcase team. They warned parents against the sort of conduct they had observed over the years in younger aged tournament ball and gave several examples of what to avoid. The gist of that went something like, "make yourselves invisible at showcases if you want your daughter to make favorably impressions with the college coaches."
This father began his experiences observing his daughter playing showcases by sitting beyond the outfield fence. He arrived at the field, made sure his daughter had her stuff including water and money, and knew how to get in contact should she need something. He saw her off to join her teammates. And then he disappeared from her life for the day.
I say I ran into him but I went to a game his daughter was playing. We had talked by phone prior to this so I went to see if I could find him but had a little difficulty locating him. He told me he would be in the outfield and I scanned the fence to find him but he wasn't there. I expected to see him leaning on the fence. There were some people doing that or sitting in chairs next to it but he wasn't one of them. So I gave him a call on his cell and he said, "look at rightfield and now I'll lift up my arm so you can see me." There he was! He had been lying down in the grass, almost completely out of sight! He had done this purposely because he wanted to be virtually invisible.
This is the model of good behavior for a parent at a showcase tournament.
There is a girl, now off to college where she plays softball, who was a youth and high school pitcher. She tried out for and made various teams over the many years of her career. You could always find where she was playing tournaments even if you didn't know her team because her father always stood out. You wouldn't find her if you looked at the girls on the bench. But if you scanned the dugouts and sidelines, you would invariably not miss her father.
I say "you" because I mean you, the reader. You don't know the girl or her father but you would know them if you happened to be where she was playing. He'd be the guy constantly talking to his daughter and giving her signs about which pitch to throw and where. He was frequently on the coaching staff of these teams but when he was, he was exclusively concerned with his own daughter 100% of the time. Sometimes he might talk to others briefly but he was focused on his daughter. That wasn't just true when she pitched. That was true when she played SS or any other place on the field.
This conduct by the father occurred not merely in travel ball but also in HS. She was a varsity pitcher and I was shocked to see the same sort of behavior there. For a couple years, he merely signaled pitches to her. Then, he actually wormed his way into the dugout and called her pitches directly from there. No matter where this kid played, the father was involved a bit more than he should have been and trying to control what his daughter did on the field, even when she was as old as 17!
I was at a high school game with different teams once when a group of parents happened near my perch along the outfield fence. They were discussing some pitcher on one of the teams. I don't know this girl and it was several years ago so I never really figured out who she was. These parents were talking about the pitcher's prospects with a certain college. They said, and I have no way of verifying it though it does sound within the realm of possibility, "she convinced the college coach to come watch a high school game and she came only to see the father calling pitches by sign language from the sidelines. She packed up and left after crossing the kid off her list of prospects."
Again, I cannot judge the veracity of these comments but they sound plausible. If a coach were looking for a self-sufficient kid to fill the circle, you can imagine what she might think. If a coach merely wanted an effective pitcher, she might ignore the strong parental influence, assuming the kid had several effective outings in front of her. On the other hand, unless the father was planning to go to college with the kid, I know I would want to see how she pitched without him calling the shots. I'd like to observe how she worked with catchers.
Compare and contrast these three stories. How do you analyze them? How do you see yourself fitting into the spectrum of possible behaviors? Are you more like the father sitting, hidden out by the fence, or the father calling all his kid's pitches, perhaps worming his way into the dugout to be a pretend coach?
Let me tell you, I am not like the father by the fence. But I aspire to become like him. I am a nervous, tense person most of the time. I find I can turn this off sometimes, rarely, but I have yet to do that at a softball game. I find that any softball game can make me tense. I get tense watching games at every age level whether I know someone on one of the teams or not. My kids' softball games make me really tense. I suppose I like to be tense and that is why I like softball. But I do not want to ever do anything to harm my kids. I want to do everything I can to make my kids' softball experiences as good as they can be.
When I was an older "kid," about age 20, I had a friend who stood something like 6 foot 4, was otherwise rather large, and was very loud. We regularly referred to him by his nickname, "big and loud." I was known as "not as big but just as loud." I don't know where I got my voice from. It is too bad that it is married to abject tone deafness or I might have been an opera star. When I played ball, I annoyed more people than I would want to admit because I never shut up. I talked so much that many of my teammates mocked me. But I did it on purpose because I was catching and it broke hitters' concentration. Still, that need to talk nonstop with full voice pervades my being whenever I am at a game including my kids' softball games. You would easily find my kids by looking for me at games, unless I am coaching in which case I show a little more discretion and restraint!
Early on, my kids were busy trying to perfect their pitching motions and pitches. I provided nearly constant vocal reminders to them while they were in the circle. I just couldn't help myself. Do this, do that, faster arm, snap it off, hit your spots, spin it hard, etc., etc., etc. almost constantly sprang forth from my pie hole. When my youngest started out in 10U travel at the age of 9, I sometimes went so far as to signal her pitches. The team coach was someone I knew and he began to encourage me to do that. he said he didn't mind because he had no idea and wanted her to be successful so the team would win. So I started acting just like that father of the high schooler I mentioned earlier, acting as pretend coach.
In later years, I started getting involved in coaching so that I was no longer merely calling or signing from the sidelines. I enjoy coaching, particularly coaching other people's kids but I don't like coaching my own. I found myself too involved with my own kids, especially when they pitched. I started calling pitches for all the pitchers on my teams. And I was constantly coaching my daughters when they pitched. That's fine, I suppose, but the reality is they would not be able to grow as pitchers unless I took a step back.
At some point in my kids' softball careers, I attended a large clinic at which kids of all ages were present. Somehow, I got into a conversation with a guy whose daughter had been playing showcase ball with a well known gold team from the southeast for a year or so. She was a very accomplished player who was being recruited by a couple schools. This fellow talked to me for a while and then asked if I was coaching my daughter. When I told him I was, he said I should look to cut that out soon, "by the time she reaches 14." He went on further to say that otherwise she would not develop fully as a ball player. He did not speak about how others might interpret a player's father being a coach, but rather was focused on how that might effect my daughter, herself.
Since I heard these words, I have tried to extricate myself from coaching my kids' teams. Unfortunately, I have been cajoled into coaching by someone who knew me or been convinced to help out on teams that were short-staffed. So I have not yet succeeded in pulling back fully. I keep trying and as I say that, I hear Yoda, the Jedi master saying, "Try not, Do, Or do not, There is no try." Wisdom aside, I suspect there are many of us who coach our daughters' teams against our better judgment and the advice of others.
Many of us who do not directly coach are more like Sandra Bullock in the recently released movie "The Blind Side." (I highly recommend this film to anyone - I no longer go to see movies very often as most really stink. This would be the exception.) In the film, Bullock watches over her soon to be adopted son very closely, especially when he is at football practice. At one point, she gets frustrated with the coaching, marches onto the field and proceeds to give instruction to her son with the help of some of the players.
The story is a true one with a happy ending. The film is very good. But this particular scene got under my skin because it tends to support a bad notion, the idea that it is right and good for parents of young athletes to walk out onto the practice field, perhaps even the game field, in order to instruct their children about what they are doing. This is not a great thing.
In case you might think that parents would never do anything of the sort, I assure you that you are mistaken. Parents very often do exactly that. I was once running an indoor practice in which we set up an infield and ran situations, especially bunting situations. I pulled the girls into a circle before we started and explained what it was I wanted them to do. Then we ran plays. Unbeknown to me, one father was sitting behind the protective net by first base where his daughter was playing. He constantly gave her instruction. He also instructed the other 1Bs. His instruction was directly contrary to what I had told them. I couldn't understand why they could not perform a relatively simple play the way I had instructed them to do it. later I learned what had been going on and corrected it. I gave the father a stern talking to. Thereafter, he stayed in his car during indoor workouts.
On different occasion, we were playing a game in a tournament and suffering through some pretty bad umpiring. Everyone was on edge because most of the calls had gone against us and some were ridiculous. After one call, as it happens a legitimate one, a father walked onto the field to question the umpire about the call. I stood in stunned amazement as the father entered the playing field. Fortunately one of my assistants caught him before he crossed into play and told him to go back and sit down. I gave him basically the same talk I had given the other father.
Lots of the sort of bad behavior is displayed after parents become familiar with the coach and team. They engage in regular conversations, get comfortable with everyone and then lose their heads when games get stressful. Usually this does not happen right away because, just like on job interviews, people have their guard up the first couple times they meet you. But some folks are not at all restrained. Some folks act badly as early as tryouts.
I have had my kids go through tryouts annually since we got into travel ball. I9 wanted them to get experienced trying out so that when they had to do it for real, it would be no big deal. I practiced this in my life at times I was not looking for jobs. I would send out resumes and go on interviews years and years before I was ever actually looking for a job. I figured it would be good for my kids to do the same. Also, I wanted to see how other teams conducted their tryouts so mine would be more professional looking. In any event, what I saw at these tryouts frequently left me speechless.
I can understand a little good natured cheering at all times around the softball diamond but at tryouts, this should probably be a little less loud and frequent than it is at games. Some parents insist on giving their kids encouragement even in this tryout setting. It can be a little absurd but there is nothing wrong with it per se. I guess I prefer to be pretty quiet when it comes to tryouts others are conducting when my kid is involved. I watch but keep my mouth shut. Many parents cheer but others are much more involved than that. They scold their kids when they make mistakes. They walk over to the dugouts when kids are coming off the field and give instruction to their kids. Some transgressions are worse than that.
A travel coach friend of mine wrote in to say, "I think that parents really need to know they can actually do more harm than good during try-outs. The last thing a coach wants is parent issues. I have seen kids rejected due to their over-the-top intense parent. I don't want to deal with that and neither would you. One guy actually went out on the field during try-outs and caught his pitcher-daughter. When asked to let a player catch her, he called pitches from behind the back-stop. Unreal. Dad was told he was the reason the kid was overlooked. She is a very good pitcher, but not worth dealing with dad ... Best thing to do is stay in your car or on the bleachers and just observe!"
In my own experiences, parents can be problematic at tryouts and coaches should always be on the lookout. I had one set of parents behave themselves through tryouts, occasionally cheering but never saying anything directly to their daughter. Then after the tryouts, they questioned me excessively long. I kind of got a bad feeling from them but I ignored it. That was a mistake. It is OK to ask questions after tryouts to learn about the team and organization. But there are common sense limits.
For example if your daughter is asked to be on my team today, right after tryouts and the rest of the roster is also set, there is no way I can "guarantee" her a certain amount of playing time at a particular position. I can say that today she is the best or second best pitcher, catcher, infielder, or whatever but that does not mean she will perform so in games or that some other kid is not going to earn her position next spring. So, why ask about it? Why ask, "can you guarantee my kid infield playing time?" You can get a sense of how many other girls are pitchers, catchers, etc. before committing to the team. But you will never receive a contract and you shouldn't ask for one unless you want to scare off a coach.
I heard from one coach who was asking some girls to play for him. One of the girl's parents called the coach to ask questions before committing. That phone conversation lasted an hour in which the parent needed to know if a couple other girls were being asked to join and then whether they were likely to get the kind of playing time they would be looking for. This parent couldn't commit unless the other kids were coming. And they wouldn't be coming unless ... So on top of asking about her kid's prospects on the team, she had to be concerned with the others as well. The same lengthy conversation took place several times with a parent of each of the kids. After the last conversation, the coach drew a deep breath, pulled out his list of phone numbers and called each family back to inform them that he had completed his roster and their offers were no longer extended. He was not going to deal with these people for an entire year.
I held a tryout once in which I really only needed a couple kids, a pitcher if someone stood out, perhaps a catcher, and a utility player. The rest of my team was set. 7 or 8 kids showed up. One wore these super-kewl sunglasses despite it being very cloudy out that day. Those represented her attitude. She was pretty sure she was all that and more. Her mother felt the same way about her kid. She figured out who my wife was and sat next to her apparently on purpose. She talked non-stop and afterward my wife had a migraine. Not a good start!
Thuis kid wore a weird smirk on her face too, another attitude thing. She was convinced she was a good player and going to make this team. She wasn't and didn't. Back then I always liked to catch the pitchers because I wanted to observe movement and speed for myself. I caught what she suggested were fastballs, changes, curves, and drops. To tell you the truth, I was not able to discern between the pitches. Worse, the mother sat there and told my wife how she "knows your daughter is fast but my daughter is more of a finesse pitcher. She doesn't have your daughter's speed but she has better movement and you'll see that as they get older, movement's more important."
Why on Earth would you say such a thing to a coach's wife if you wanted to make the team? the kid had no movement, not even close to my daughter's. She couldn't change speeds even if she could throw moderately fast. Her curve and drop spun but didn't move at all. It was as uninspiring as it could be and the kid was not even close to as good as my younger daughter who played down an age group. I wouldn't take her on ability alone but I really was not going to have her anywhere near my team once I heard what the wife had said. What if she had been marginal? What if I was seriously considering inviting her?
In another case in which I was not a coach, there was a girl who was perfectly nice and a decent player. Her father, on the other hand, was another story. I won;t go into details but he had absolutely no restraint when it came to what he said and his choice of words to say it. After the first season with the team, a few girls left the team and they held tryouts. After the tryouts, the coach called the father and said, "I am not asking your daughter to join the team this year. She made the cut but you did not." The fgather had to be removed from the team and, therefore, the girl was not invited. That is a shame.
OK, so those are some stories about parental conduct in the softball setting. I said at the beginning that fathers probably relate to daughters differently than mothers do. I guess I didn't develop that so much as just give you examples of each. In the end, I want you to walk away from this understanding that your conduct as a parent of an athlete has an effect on numerous intended and unintended others. It will effect your kid, perhaps in ways you don't want it to. It might color her prospects at tryouts or with her team. It may effect the way college coaches look at her if that is where you are. You must restrain yourself. You have to think about the way others perceive you and your child, and how you would like them to perceive you.Labels: coaching, Conduct, parenting
 
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